Solitude
by Sputnik2006
Summary: Ginny sinks into depression after changing herself for Harry and not being noticed. Songfic to Solitude by Evanescence. 5th year fic.


Summary: Songfic to the song Solitude by Evanescence. Ginny sinks into depression when she sees Harry apparently has his heart set on Cho. G/H, I guess I have to have H/C too. 5th year.  
  
Author's Note: At the time of writing this I was having a really bad day and was not in the mood to update any of my other stuff which is more or less happy. While it is slightly depressing (I hope) I am really bad about expressing my emotions (part of the reason I was really upset; my mom broke down crying, really crying hard, for the first time I have ever seen and I couldn't do anything about it) it is not a suicidal fic. Sorry Ciara. ^_^ Can't off Ginny in such a way. Also, about the song. Most people will not have heard of it because it is not on the Fallen cd OR the Origin cd (or Bring Me to Life but that's just 'cause that cd is a single...I'll shut up now.) It is my absolute favorite song right now. I can't do much for non- neopets people but if you want to hear it and you DO belong to neopets my screenname is sputnikgirl2006 and it is in my shop. Ahbidabycon and Banshee_Magick have other mostly unheard Evanescence songs, if you care. Yeah, I'll get on with the fic now. ^_^  
  
Disclaimer: I only own the idea. The characters, setting, wizarding phrases, yadda yadda belong to J.K. Rowling who is currently on my most wanted list for offing Siri. *cries* Solitude is not written through my talent, all respects to Evanescence, my new co-favorite band (the other being Linkin Park). And, honorable mention goes to Ciara, soleil_luna_day, who is my beta reader for all fics but this one. Not this one 'cause I don't like it as much as some of my others and she isn't on to read it anyway. It's only 1 in the morning....  
  
Solitude  
  
by Sputnik2006  
  
Hogwarts breakfast was like any other Ginny had ever known. Of course, most of the time it wasn't eaten within the great cathedral walls. Nor did most places she knew have a ceiling enchanted to be the exact image of the sky outside. Having been at the school 3 years now she had become used to it. There were other things that bothered her more about what happened at the breakfast table.  
  
(How many times have you told me you love her?)  
  
There he was again. Ogling the girl at the Ravenclaw table. Ginny felt a flush in her cheeks as she stared at him. She knew it was wrong, he didn't think of her the same way but he...he was so beautiful to her eyes. Why could he not feel the same way for her as she did for him?  
  
(As many times as I've wanted to tell you the truth)  
  
She turned her head slightly to glare at the girl. The Enemy. Yes, that was what she was, wasn't she? This Cho girl, the snot-faced, teary-eyed little chit who thought she could get away with stealing her Harry's heart. Ginny watched as the Enemy waved, a brief smile flashing across her face before she turned, instantly forgetting the boy's existence, to march out the door with her nitwit friends in tow.  
  
(How long have I stood here beside you?)  
  
Turning back she found Harry with a stupid little half-smile on his face. The look did not suit him, dopeyness was not flattering. Was that what she would really have to become to be noticed by the one she loved so? A mindless twit who needed a pack of equally unintelligent automatons to get around without bursting into tears with helplessness? No, she thought, he wouldn't want that. He would never want me to change if he really cared.  
  
(I live through you)  
  
But what if he didn't care?  
  
(You looked through me) * * * * *  
  
(Ooh, Solitude,  
  
Still with me is only you Ooh, Solitude,  
  
I can't stay away from you)  
  
* * * * *  
  
Moaning Myrtle would never shut her mouth would she? The whiny ghost was always there when she came in here. Of course, she thought, it could only be expected. This was, after all, the place she had died. It was a nice secretive place for Ginny to do what she wanted in peace but the idiot ghost made the emptiness, which she valued, less empty. She had to face it though: there were not many other places in a school where one could find a mirror to oneself.  
  
(How many times have I done this to myself?)  
  
Ginny hated herself for becoming so desperate. Forcing herself to smile at the painted on face that was hers she couldn't help but wonder if it was all worth it. Makeup was one thing, highlighting her hair and putting it into elegant curls was entirely another. She'd fussed so long on it, trimming and brushing, making it sleek again only to curl it into perfect falls of red-gold moments later. She looked pretty, like a model. Like she could woo any boy she felt she should, and then some. She looked, above all else, unlike Ginny Weasley. And for that she hated herself and the one she loved above all else, Harry Potter.  
  
(How long will it take before I see)  
  
Taking one last look at the painted-faced girl that was reflection Ginny she grabbed her bag and headed out the bathroom door. For you Harry, she thought, my heart is only for you. Take your eyes away from that fake for one moment and maybe you will finally see that.  
  
* * * * *  
  
The halls of Hogwarts were crowded as ever but for some reason it was different today. The people stepped out of her path so as not to get in her way. They all stared at her, some suspicious, many admiring. She felt good. They noticed at least. At last. Would it be possible that Harry would notice as well? Of course, how could he not?  
  
After all, she did this all for him. Why would he not?  
  
Her foot caught under her and she blushed crimson as she toppled to the ground. No one was laughing, she was relieved to find. A couple of the guys rushed to help her but she just smiled and waved them on. They got the same foolish expression Harry had when the Enemy smiled at him. She loved the power she held over them, it felt good.  
  
The smile fled quickly as she rounded the corner. She immediately wished she hadn't. There He was with the Enemy. He was awkwardly trying to comfort her as she burst into tears. Was that all she did these days? Or was that her way of getting his attention? She decided it must be the latter. Cho stopped her sobbing and with a sniffle walked away in the opposite direction.  
  
She slowly passed by, trying to carry herself with as much confidence as he could muster, while not being arrogant. She called up the memory of how she'd felt with the other boys, smiled sweetly at him in passing. He nodded at her but there was no other reaction. His eyes were still upon Cho's retreating back. * * * * *  
  
(When will this hole in my heart be mended?)  
  
Late into the night she contented herself with sobbing into her pillow. She no longer cared how bad her makeup was, it was all over her pillow anyway. Her hair, which she had taken so long to perfect, was tangled and frizzy. She was miserable but she felt like Ginny.  
  
(who now is left alone but me?) Maybe that was all she was meant to be. Always Ginny, the younger sister of Ron Weasley, the best friend of Harry Potter. Invisible, never to have her feelings for him truly known. Always alone.  
  
No, that was not the way the world worked. People were never alone. How could they be, there were billions of people, so many people. She would find someone in the end.  
  
(Ooh,Solitude,  
  
Forever me and forever you)  
  
But she didn't want just someone. She wanted Harry. She didn't care that he was the Boy who Lived. She didn't care that people around him always seemed to die. She knew he would not feel gratitude at the idea but she would have died to be near him. If it took that she would go so far. She saw into his heart, into his soul. There was no one else in this world who could love him like she could and did.  
  
(Ooh, Solitude,  
  
Only you, only true)  
  
The others didn't believe in her devotion. They didn't see any of it. Did they even see her there beside him? Was she so dwarfed by his great heart that she was scoured from the view of others?  
  
(Everyone leave me stranded  
  
Forgotten, abandoned, left behind)  
  
She hastily wiped the tears from her face. Would it really be better to die? He would notice then. He would know how much her love for him tore her apart inside.  
  
(I can't stay here another night)  
  
She rummaged about in her drawers for a moment before finding the object she wanted. She had found the knife in Harry's chest a little time before when she had longed to have something of his. She flipped it open, watched the light play upon the blade. Harry was thick but was he so blind that he would not even see that she had died because of him? Not at his hand, never that. He could not harm her in such a way. But emotionally he had killed her inside so many times...why not finish it all with his blade?  
  
(Your secret in my heart.  
  
Who could it be?)  
  
The tears came again to her eyes as she stared at the weapon in her hands. Why could he not see that she was screaming inside for him? Why would he never know the depth of her feelings?  
  
(Ooh, Can't you see  
  
All along it was me)  
  
Death could soothe that all. Make the painful waves of emotions go away and never haunt her again. Wasn't that the better choice?  
  
(How can you be so blind  
  
As to see right through me?)  
  
A scarlet line appeared along her wrist. She sobbed at the pain, physical and emotional. Why could he not hear the screaming inside of her? Was she so invisible as that?  
  
(And Ooh, Solitude,  
  
Still with me is only you)  
  
And through the mental confusion she heard herself clearly for the first time. All these questions that flitted through her mind...It was him she should ask. He was the one who could choose if they were meant to be together. Or if they weren't. He held the answers. Her trembling arms pushed off of the bed and she padded down the dormitory stairs, knife still clenched in her hand. Up again to the boy's dormitory. And there he was.  
  
(Ooh, Solitude,  
  
I can't stay away from you)  
  
The moonlight shone through the curtains around his bed, a patch of silver and dust motes dancing about his face. She knew then why it all felt so wrong. Her heart leapt at his beauty. She could not leave this world if it meant leaving him behind in it. She may never again be able to look upon him then.  
  
(Ooh, Solitude,  
  
Forever me and forever you)  
  
Making sure the last bit of her blood was wiped clean of the now sinister blade she lovingly tucked it back among his things. He must never know of what happened this night. Tentatively peering at her wrist in the scarce light from the moon she sighed in relief. It was not deep and would go away with time. The blood had already stopped its free flow. In a way it felt like her heart, it had broken free with all emotions so short a time ago but was now back to it's pained but normal self.  
  
(Ooh, Solitude)  
  
Before exiting the room for her own sleep, such as it might be, she brushed her lips across his hand in thanks. He might have been the one who almost caused her downfall but he had also stopped just such a thing. She hoped in time he would know that and swore to help him in any way she could in the future. She knew it might be her true love she was watching sleep so peacefully and it might be just a passing crush. But above all that her heart knew that if the Boy Who Lived ever needed anyone she would be there at his side.  
  
Even if she had to be just Ginny Weasley.  
  
(Only you, only true) Well peoples, that is all. The end. Ok so it was a little depressing in the middle (I hope) but otherwise ended up kind of fluffy. Don't you think? Or maybe I am just weird. Anywho, like I said, no suicidal Ginny tonight. And if the text is all funky sized to you like it is to me, I'm sorry. I type my fics in yahoo mail until they are ready for posting and when I started adding in the song lyrics from another site the text sizes got all funkified and it wouldn't fix itself. Sorry. Well, that is all for now, 'tis almost 3 in the morning and I should get to bed soon. Review please! 


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